I don't want to be your friend
by S.S. Marauder
Summary: Jily one shot. "I can't be your friend anymore James. It hurts too much. I can't be around you feeling this way, feeling like your the only person in the world, like you're all I need, when my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces." Sitting in the common room after patrols, Lily realises exactly what James means to her, and how much she needs him. Fluffy!


**_This idea just came to me so I decided to write it...let me know what you think. Disclaimer: J.k. Rowling owns it all, etc. etc._**

It was a Friday night at the beginning of October when James and Lily stumbled through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor common room after a long night of patrols.

It was gone midnight and the head boy and girl were both exhausted as they entered the deserted common room.

They both collapsed on the coach without a word to one another, allowing a comfortable silence to overcome them as they watched the flickering flames of the fire that was still roaring in the hearth.

Over the past year the two had become quite good friends with one another. At the beginning of sixth year Lily's best friend Marlene had started going out with Sirius, which much to Lily's annoyance, had forced her to start spending more time with the marauders.

At first Lily had just put up with them, but overtime she began to become good friends with the four pranksters, much to her own surprise.

Lily had become involved in many of their schemes and had shared many adventures with the four mischief makers, building a strong bond with all of them, but in particular James.

In the beginning they had been quite awkward with one another, past events being the main reason. However, after James had apologised to her, they had begun getting along famously. He had stopped asking her out every day and she had stopped deliberately searching for a way to give out or yell at him.

No one in Hogwarts could quite believe that the two people who had once been the biggest rivals in the school were now almost best friends. The 'Potter-Evans Spectacles' as they were known had become a main source of entertainment for the population of the school, the house elves had even been supplying popcorn on demand for when the two rowed, and at first many had been disappointed that the extremely entertaining shouting matches would no longer be taking place.

They didn't need to worry however, because everyone, staff and student alike had noticed the quality of the marauders pranks had increased after Lily had become the unofficial 5th member of their close knit group, giving them plenty of extra entertainment to make up for it. This was saying something too, because the pranks had been quite spectacular to begin with, but no one said anything and allowed the marauders to entertain them with their fantastic performances.

Of course, being James' friend had also allowed Lily to view him in an entirely different light. It wasn't her fault that her heart sped up when he looked at her, that her breath caught when he smiled, that whenever they had the slightest contact tingles ran all over her body.

Lily also told herself that it wasn't her fault that she couldn't help but stare at him as they sat on the couch in front of the fire at one o' clock in the morning.

She took him in, his messy raven hair standing all over the place, his broad shoulders, sharp jaw line, the muscles on his arm beneath his white shirt, his finely defined torso from hours of quiditch, and his eyes, those deep hazel eyes that held so much emotions and thoughts, the swirls of green, blue and gold which she could watch for hours at a time.

He was sitting back against the couch, his head slightly slumped against the back of it, his hand drumming a small beat against his leg as he watched the flames.

Sensing her gaze James looked over at Lily. He met her eyes with his own, and the smile he gave her was so genuine, Lily's heart stopped beating for almost an entire minute, or at least she felt like it did.

They looked at each other for a moment, neither saying anything, neither _needing_ to say anything, just being so comfortable in the others company.

And thats when it hit her. A thought so unwelcome in such a peaceful moment that Lily wanted to carve her own brain out.

She wasn't sure if James still had feelings for her, he hadn't asked her out in over a year, yet whenever he saw her he'd smile at her like she was his entire world, and he was there for her in a way no one else, not even Marlene had ever been, but a part of her, her more pessimistic part, the one that was afraid of getting hurt again, like she was after Severus and Petunia had both betrayed her, said that James was just a good friend, and any possible feelings he had once had for her had long since disappeared.

Lily wanted to believe that he felt the same way about her as she did about him, but she couldn't bring herself to create hope, when she was so terrified it would be false.

She had accepted the fact that she didn't see James like a friend months ago, but watching him now, the light of the fire giving his face a soft glow, she realised she'd never be able to. She would never be able to look at him without her heart skipping a beat, she'd never be able to be near him without her breath speeding up, never be able to not feel like he was the only person in the entire world.

The thought hit her with the impact of a train. The thought that no matter how much she tried to quench her feelings they would be there for the rest of her life, she knew those feelings would never, _could_ never go away. The thought that, as one of his closest friends she would have to spend the rest of her life in his company, so close but so so far away, not being able to be close enough, almost killed Lily there and then. The thought that someday Lily may have to watch him fall in love with someone else, watch him marry another woman, raise children with her, almost broke Lily's heart.

She realised she couldn't do it any more. She had tried so hard to be his friend, tried to be _just_ his friend, and it was killing her. She couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't pretend that he wasn't everything she wanted but felt she couldn't have. Couldn't pretend that being his friend wasn't tearing her apart.

She didn't notice the tear tracing it's way down her face until James sat up straight, a mix of worry and confusion written plainly on his face.

"Lily, what's wrong?" he asked her.

She wiped the tear away with the back of her hand, though it was a useless attempt because another one began sliding down her other cheek.

"Nothing." she told him, her voice only just above a wisper.

James reached out and cupping her face with one hand, he lightly brushed the tear away with his thumb.

"What is it Lils? Talk to me." he said quietly.

Lily jumped from the couch as if she had been burned, pulling away from James' hand. He retracted it in surprise.

"Lily? Please tell me what the problem is so I can help you." his voice was at a normal volume now, and he was looking at her with so much concern her heart almost broke all over again.

"This." she said, the tears flowing freely down her face now. "I can't do this anymore James. I can't."

"What? I don't understand Lily." he said to her, rising off the couch to stand in front of her.

She didn't meet his eyes as she responded, "I can't be friends with you anymore James." She looked into his face and didn't miss the confusion, worry and _hurt_ , that she saw there.

She turned on her heel, meaning to sprint away to the girls dormitory, but she only made it two steps before he grabbed her wrist and turned her around to face him again.

His hands were warm and soft, despite being callused from quiditch, and his touch was gentle and caring, sending tingles all over her body.

"What are you talking about Lily?" he asked her, not hiding the pain in his voice from her statement.

Sighing Lily looked him in the eye, and with her voice shaking she said in a whisper, "I can't be your friend anymore James. It hurts too much. I can't be around you feeling this way, feeling like your the only person in the world, like you're all I need, yet not being anything more than a friend, it hurts too much. I can't watch you fall in love with another girl and pretend to be happy for you when my heart will be breaking into a thousand pieces. I can't live the rest of my life as your friend, when I'll never want to be your friend, because that will never be enough." she told him.

James watched her with wide eyes, his expression slowly losing the hurt, going from confused to surprised and finally reaching understanding.

When he spoke his voice was a whisper. "What? Lily I-"

"I'm sorry James." she cut him off, tears still flowing as she turned around to leave again.

With the hand still holding her wrist he pulled her back towards him, swiftly but gently, and in one smooth moment he used his other hand to cup her cheek and pressed his lips firmly to hers.

She made a small noise of surprise, but it only took a moment before she was kissing him in return, the kiss was soft and gentle, conveying all the emotions both felt but were unable to put into words.

The hand holding her wrist slid down to hers and their fingers entwined as if their hands were made to fit together. His other hand continued to cup her cheek, while her other arm moved to wrap around his neck.

After what could've been a second or an eternity, James slowly pulled back, pressing his forehead against hers as they both caught their breaths. "I don't want to be your friend either." he whispered.

Lily's smile stopped his heart as she pressed a soft kiss to his lips in response. "Good." she whispered.

He pulled away only for a second so he could lay back on the couch, and using the hand still entwined in hers, he pulled her gently onto the couch so she was resting against him, leaning against the arm rest, their legs half intertwining on the plush red material.

James wrapped his free arm around her as she settled into his chest.

"I haven't wanted to be your 'friend' in years Lily, but it was a better option than not having you in my life at all." he breathed, his voice sending tingles down her spine.

"I'm sorry James." she whispered to him.

"Why?"

"because I didn't know what it was like, feeling this way about someone but not being able to have them in your life they way you want, and I was so horrible to you about it."

James tightened his arm around her waist slightly, not so that it would cause her any discomfort but enough to pull her further against him.

"I deserved it then," he said, "none of that matters now."

Lily turned slightly in his arms so her head was against his shoulder and she could press a light kiss to his lips. He smiled against her mouth and Lily still felt as if her heart would combust but it no longer hurt, now it was a feeling so good she could have been soaring.

She broke away, leaning against his shoulder as he rested his head on hers, his nose buried in her fiery hair.

Neither spoke for a few minutes, both content in lying on the coach, their hands still entwined, delighted about the turn the night had taken, all because McGonogal had put them on the late patrol.

After a moment Lily let out a sigh, "We really should head up to bed." she whispered, though she made no move to act on that statement.

James responded by nuzzling his nose in her hair and softly asking, "What's the point of having a girlfriend if I can't lie on the coach with her, watching the fire when the common room is empty?"

Lily turned so she could look him in the eye, he lifted his head to meet her gaze. "Girlfriend?" she whispered, but the small smile on her face was all the encouragement he needed to once more press his lips to hers in a soft kiss.

"Yup. And the most beautiful, amazing one there is." he told her pulling away.

She laughed quietly, before saying "I like the sound of it."

"Me too." James agreed. "Can I ask you something?" he wondered.

"Go ahead." Lily told her boyfriend, the thought making her smile stupidly.

"Would you accompany me to Hogsmede tomorrow?" he asked her.

Her response was a large smile, a nod, and a long slow kiss.

They pulled away, both slightly flushed and smiling like idiots.

They stayed down in the common room for awhile longer, whispering endearing comments and sharing soft kisses, before eventually rising to head up to their dormitories.

James kissed Lily once more, before whispering a sweet goodnight, and telling her he'd meet her in the common room in the morning to walk to breakfast together, then they both headed up their separate staircases.

James was grinning like a fool when he entered his dormitory, not bothering to be quiet knowing that the other Marauder's were awake, it was the weekend after all.

"Prongs where have you been?" Sirius asked him as he walked in, "You've been gone for ages, and you had the map so we couldn't check where you were...wait, why are you smiling like that?" Sirius wondered suspiciously.

Remus and Peter were also watching him curiously.

He just grinned wider before saying, "sorry lads, I got held up with my girlfriend."

There was complete silence in the marauders dorm for the first time in seven years as the other three stared at the beaming James with open mouths.

"G-girlfriend?" Remus finally asked, which seemed to bring the other two out of their shock enough to pay attention.

"Yup," James nodded, "By the way, Lily and I are going into Hogsmede tomorrow, so don't wait up." He told them, walking towards his bed, the only thing betraying his casual demeanor was his grin.

"You-you and Lily?" Sirius stuttered.

James just grinned some more. "She's a brilliant kisser." Was all he said to his utterly shocked dorm mates as he turned his back to change into his pyjamas.

Silence followed for a few moments before the dormitory broke out in huge cheers, and James couldn't help but join in.

It wouldn't be until the next morning that the occupants of Gryffindor house found out the reason for the cheers and screams which had woken them up in the early hours of the morning. By the following evening news of the new couple had spread throughout Hogwarts, and everyone was excitedly cashing in bets, Sirius swore he even saw Dumbledore slip a beaming McGonogal a handful of galleons.

And although the rest of the school was delighted about the news of the new couple, no one was as happy as the couple themselves, because even if they hadn't said it yet, they were in love and nothing else mattered.

Being James Potters friend had almost killed Lily. Being his wife _had_ , but she wouldn't have had it any other way.


End file.
